[The Original post in this series can be found here. I have chosen to speak on these matters as a way of giving voice to my own story but I also pray that others may understand a little more about me and who I am. Please treat this post with the dignity it deserves.]

Some months after I returned from the United States (as mentioned in my previous post) a friend invited me to go to a youth group run by a local Pentecostal church. After attending the youth group for quite some time, one night I responded to their “salvation call”. The speaker  told me I was a sinner and I needed to come to Christ, repent of my sin and ask for forgiveness. He had spoken on ‘end times’ and how if I didn’t know Christ I would be ‘left behind’! That night, inside the old manse in which we met and even though I didn’t feel like a sinner, I responded. However, I responded because I wanted to know God more – I felt an irresistible urge to know God personally! Despite the reason why I responded I was assured that I was now going to heaven if I died. This is the day I re-joined the church…

Within a few years I began attending a pentecostal  ‘mega church’  I quickly became involved in leadership in the youth group and found myself extremely busy. Every night of the week I was doing something at church or for the church. I attended prayer meetings as often as I could and every morning I tried to rise early to pray and read the Bible for this, I was told, is what God wanted from me. Looking back I think it was more about what the pastors and leaders wanted from me than what God wanted. I was young, full of energy and eager to please…

I was 20 when I decided to enrol in a Bible College course. I was convinced that God had called me to ministry. Looking back on this time I can say with some gratitude that many good things did come out of my time in this Bible College. For one, it introduced me to study of the Bible. It also introduced me to ministry. Not only ministry in a mega church environment with all the fittings money could buy but also ministry in many smaller country settings. You know the kind of churches I mean. Usually the pastor works two or three jobs, the same people play week after week and the elders are really elders!
It was during my time at Bible College and in the mega church that I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable with the beliefs and practices of the denomination. Don’t get me wrong, for two or more years I craved the power and the passion these people offered me. I bought into the culture and zealously pursued ministry in this manner. I witnessed things that would horrify you. I heard pastors speak about people in ways people should never be spoken of. I saw people manipulated in a manner I thought would never happen inside a church. It was of course behind closed doors. I am to blame as much as them for things that would occur down the track however, I was only in my mid twenties and these people were entrusted with my spiritual care. They failed in that duty of care. These issues still hurt to this day and it is interesting, when people hear me speak of my time at this church with such passion and even anger at times, they often dismiss as negative and bitter and perhaps I am. Nevertheless, what happened was real and I still carry the scars to prove it…

This series of posts is a reflection of my own spiritual journey. I originally wrote the posts for my previous blog. I have had more feedback about these posts than any other. I thought I’d re-post them here for two reasons. Firstly, it might give Near Emmaus readers a chance to get to know me and secondly, I want to keep re-working the story. To be honest it is probably more for me than anyone who will read it but nevertheless some may find it interesting.

When one brings to mind memorable churches, the last place anyone would think to recall is the desert of Arizona! I was 15 and we had been in America for a couple of weeks. On a previous trip to Europe I stood in the Sistine Chapel surrounded by Michaelangelo’s amazing works. I visited Westminster Abbey and spent time in reflective prayer. However, it is a small Catholic church in the middle of the hot Arizona desert that had the most profound impact upon my spiritual development…

From the ages of 5 through until about 8 my family and I attended an Anglican Church. The people were lovely and used to greet one another with “peace be with you” to which one would respond “and also with you”. The Minster, as I remember him, was a very tall man with a warm heart and a cheeky sense of humour. He was the first minister I had ever known and he certainly left me with a positive impression. We attended the church for several years and my experiences within the walls of this beautiful old church have given me a wonderful appreciation of liturgy and tradition. To this day Anglican liturgy feels like home…

During my early teenage years we stopped attending church regularly. However, I could not help but notice a yearning in my heart for a deeper experience of the transcendent. I remember I would often turn to my Children’s bible and re-read my favourite Sunday School stories. When I was young, Sunday School taught me that Jesus was always with me; that he was present to me. I would imagine what it would be like to actually have Jesus with me as a real person – I could introduce him to my friends and play cricket with him! As I grew up I realised that was not going to happen. I was old enough to know that Jesus wasn’t real.

However, as I was standing inside a small Catholic church in the middle of the Arizona desert, as I walked around the small but beautiful underground chapel, I could not help but sense the presence of God. An overwhelming sense of God embraced me. I cannot describe in natural terms what this experience meant to me, except that it changed my life forever. I knew that God was real and that he was with me! To this day I still believe this is the moment I responded to the grace of God and believed…